Marvel’s reputation is in peril! I mean, this isn’t exactly a unique statement; people have been saying so for a few years now. And many will be quick to add this latest Spider-Man-adjacent movie to the list of failures. Except, Madame Web is not part of that much-polarised cinematic universe. The general public-the average joe-typically doesn’t understand that movies like Venom and Morbius do not exist in this universe, and are in fact separated by the cold and desperate hand of Sony. I have to bring this up because many general movie-goers and even the stars of the films themselves can’t seem to understand the difference.
So far, this universe has managed to churn out nothing short of the most uninspired and derivative pieces of interchangeable superhero action. While the Venom movies have done well, financially, the quality of these film is detestable. But at least Venom is a recognisable character. Morbius and Madame Web are only very well-known to comic aficionados like myself. We understand that these characters simply cannot exist on their own, and their wall-crawling foil deserves a crack at a showdown with them.
Expectations were not high for this baffling product. Promoting a character that has none of the appeal of the original comic counterpart, an overstuffed roster of Spider-people, and some of the stiffest lines of dialogue to hit a superhero movie-quite the feat. It felt as though everything was working against it. I’m here to tell you that…everything you may have expected is so much worse than that. Somehow, this film manages not only to be the worst in Sony’s attempted cinematic universe, but also one of the most inept and laziest superhero movies you could think of. This is S.J. Clarkson’s (and Sony) Madame Web.
Initially starting in the Peruvian jungle during the seventies, a heavily pregnant woman is there researching a specific type of spider before she is betrayed by her research partner, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), who shoots her upon the discovery of said spider. Said to give a human unbelievable powers, we discover that there is a tribe of spider-powered people who manage to save the pregnant woman in enough time to deliver her baby, allowing it to be bitten by the same kind of spider, though she dies right after.
Fast-forward to the year of 2003-for some reason-the young Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson) is now a paramedic, working alongside her good friend Ben Parker (Adam Scott). After a near-death experience, Cassandra begins seeing visions of the future. She realises that her fate seems to be tied to three girls. These three girls also seem to be the future killers of Sims, who is still very much alive, looking to extract the power of the spider. He sees visions of his demise, and is now intent on stopping the three girls before they can gain their powers.
The three girls in question are teenagers: Julia (Sydney Sweeney) is a shy, nerdy girl; Anya (Isabela Merced) lives her life in solitude after her father is deported; and Mattie (Celeste O’Connor) is a rebellious punk that runs from her family. As much as Cassandra doesn’t wish to take care of any of them, annoyed by the idea of protecting them (despite being a paramedic), she takes the girls away from the pursuit of the now-costumed Sims. Using her powers of seeing into the future, Cassandra must discover the origins of her powers so that she can better stop their spidery pursuer.
It’s difficult to write about a plot that is so abhorrently terrible and nonsensical without chuckling or trying to bash it along the way. Madame Web is a movie that cares little about the natural progression of events, nor for the logic of said events, and worries more about being just another entry in this deformed universe they’ve created.
The setup is so painfully derived from so many other super-powered stories, encapsulated by clunky dialog that would not go unmissed in a cheesy eighties sci-fi show. Rather than allowing the origins of these spider powers exist within the simplicity of a genetically engineered spider, like other Spider-Man stories, the film makers felt it best to add a mystical, almost magical, element to the mythology. The film makers simply couldn’t accept this idea that the avatars of these powers were given their gifts by happenstance; no, they’re connected to this tribe of spider-people.
That bit of extra context is only a titbit of the film’s problems. Comic fans will roll their eyes at the idea of Madame Web leading her own film. General audiences will have no idea who the character is. And while Marvel Studios can get away with this with how much goodwill they’ve obtained, Sony simply doesn’t understand that you need to push your more well-known characters to the forefront before you try taking risks. The problem is that even if you are willing to give this character a chance, you need to make the story and the supporting characters interesting enough as well. Neither is remotely enjoyable.
Dakota Johnson is a talented actor, garnering a reputation that betrays her simple famous upbringing. Here, she’s as stiff as a terrified spider. Delivering pale lines of sheer stupidity, there’s never a sense that she’s truly trying. She speaks in a monotonous tone throughout the entire film. It’s not Johnson’s fault, especially when the character has little to offer her. Cassandra is plainly unlikeable. Despite her profession, she seems to hold genuine contempt for most people. It’s not a far cry from her comic book origins, but considering how different the rest of her is in this universe, and the fact that she’s been forced into a protagonist role, there needs to be some sort of connection that we, the audience, can latch on to.
Not helping this is her barebones backstory. We know of her birth and find out that she’s been placed in foster care over the years, but it’s only much later that we learn she holds a grudge against her mother for being so reckless. Somehow, she knows everything about her mother, being gifted her entire research-somehow. We don’t understand why her powers have only just kicked in outside of this near-death experience. But considering she was bitten by a spider from the moment she was born, surely she would’ve had some sign of the proceeding power.
The exact reason for why she only has the ability to see into the future is never stressed further than just ’cause. We do get an admittedly funny moment of Cassandra trying to climb a wall, then slumping down into the corner of the room, but it’s vaguely explained why she can’t do these other things we’ve become accustomed to with other Spider-Man stories.
There had to be something appealing in this crock of manure, right? The small shred of hopefulness that lay in my mind had hoped that we could at least get some fun moments of these four spider-people swinging about and knocking out some criminals. Though this may be a light spoiler, I think it’s important to advertise to you the harsh reality that what we see of the other three actresses in the spider-costumes was only a brief feature of the film.
Once again underutilising more talented actors, this film really drives Sweeney, O’Connor and Merced into the ground. We know Sydney Sweeney has it in her to deliver truly inspired performances, and you can see little inklings of the other two supporting actresses’ abilities. But much like Johnson, they’re all forced into hammy writing and bored-sounding performances. All three are supposed to be playing regular teenagers, clearly looking older. They’re also, as I alluded to, kept almost entirely in their regular clothing.
Their choice to follow Webb doesn’t make much sense outside of the fact that they’re being chased down by what boils down to an evil Spider-Man. They initially accuse Cassandra of trying to kidnap them, then flip their minds on a dime. There’s a lot of that going on through the movie. Cassandra’s apprehension about protecting these girls does a one-eighty in just a few seconds, not because of some interfering factor, but because she simply does change her mind. It’s like watching somebody with severe ADHD letting it affect their decisions.
What really doesn’t help the film is how lazily cliché the three other girls are. Sweeney unconvincingly plays the shy, unapproachable nerd, O’Connor being the sassy teen and Merced being the feisty badass. There’s not much depth to their characters, only given small bouts of exposition in an effort to make the audience feel something for these girls. We never see them get their powers, so it just feels like we’re watching a really underwhelming on-the-run thriller without the thrill. There’s no substance to any of them, we just get a rather bland and unlikeable protagonist telling these teens not to do anything stupid…then they do something stupid.
Enter the villain: Ezekiel Sims. I mean no disrespect to Rahim as much as I have meant none to the other actors mentioned, but this may be one of the worst villains to ever grace a superhero story. Despite how much more powerful he is than all four of these characters, even Webb, he always seems to get knocked down in the most ridiculous ways. He’s electrocuted, hit by a truck, hit by a flying ball of flame that just happened to hit him. Even with Cassandra’s ability to see into the future, there shouldn’t be any way for her to overcome some of what Sims can do. He leaves himself open on several occasions. Even when the film is tricking us with future visions, there’s never any real urgency to his actions.
It boggles the mind how asinine this film manages to be at every waking turn. Cassandra not realising that her mum held onto a picture of Sims in that little tin of research until after meeting him for the first time is particularly stupid. Cassandra thinking that the only way to fully discover her powers is to go back to Peru, only to discover that she…has powers she’s already using. Her sudden hatred for her mother that’s never brought up until that journey, marking the final act, is poorly explored and resolved in a second. The exact thing Sims has been doing all this time is incredibly vague. So much of this is so poorly written that I was able to fix certain problems as I was watching this mess unfold.
There’s other narrative decisions that wouldn’t stop irking me. Why the three teens thought it would be a good idea to wander off after Cassandra told them to stay put, knowing that there was a super-powered maniac hunting them, is beyond me. Why the three girls don’t simply explain to the police that Cassandra isn’t kidnapping them-something that could be cleared up in seconds-really nags at my mind. Then there’s all the forced nudging at the greater Spider-Man mythology. The words of Uncle Ben-with great power comes great responsibility-are frequently rephrased and pointed out. Having Peter Parker’s mother there, heavily pregnant, just alluded to the idea that Sony so desperately wanted this to have some connection to the greater Spider-Man universe, but Marvel Studios would never have wanted that. It’s the only logical reason I can think of for why the film is set in 2003, as it would connect closer to Tom Holland’s Spidey. But it’s already been reshuffled from a film set in Andrew Garfield’s Amazing universe to simply being standalone.
This film really fumbles just about everything. Sometimes when I sit through a terrible movie, I’ll come out thinking about how to improve certain aspects or just abandon the film altogether. As someone of whom has grown up with countless Spider-Man material, including a fair knowledge of the original Madame Web character, there’s much more that could’ve been done in the grander Spider-Man story. Had the character come at the end of the next MCU Spider-Man trilogy, perhaps it would’ve connected that multiverse from No Way Home a bit further. Had the film actually utilised the three other Spider-Women and their powers, it could’ve at least been a mindlessly fun superhero flick. Sony continues to drive this property so far into the ground that the core of the Earth is about to erupt.
It’s as soulless and uninspired as their other films in this universe and a staunch reminder that these characters should probably be in the hands of Marvel. Some have called this joyously bad, existing in that ever-enticing ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ area of film culture. And while I had a few unintentional laughs, I mostly found this to be incredibly taxing to watch. Sony is singlehandedly making Marvel’s already waning reputation plummet further, and it’s worth no self-respecting person’s time. We’ve Morbed far too hard with this one.
Written review by Conor Johnson.